I called, You answered.

So tomorrow’s my baptism. Yet certain… Stuff happened along the way.

First time running and crying my heart out. Priceless experience. They say endorphins are released within your body when you exercise. True, the pain wasn’t that epic and felt like there was a layer of something slightly easing the pain. Nonetheless it was still pain from within and I can’t imagine how much more painful it will be if not for the endorphins.

Ran to the usual spot when I would normally catch my breath before making a uturn to head home. Tonight I actually sat down and started catching my tears instead of my breath. Oh God those tears won’t stop running so I begged God to stay with me and make the night alright again. I prayed for Him to ease the pain and push me home.

Then out of nowhere, there came a BEE. It came right for me, literally making a dive for me. So I was forced to pick myself up and run away, home.

After all that, I’m pretty sure it was God who picked me up. Am I allowed to say that God revealed Himself in that bee?

#Amen.

25
May

1

I need to sleep easy, as easy as 1,2,3.

I’m so afraid, frightened, scared. I cry. I stop, knowing that life goes on and that eventually everything will be alright.

Then I realise without you, I won’t ever be complete. Everything will perhaps be alright, but not complete and beautiful like before.

So I continue, and I can’t stop this time.

24
May

If it makes you happy, as long as it does.

Tried talking to you about how I feel about certain petty issues for the past 8 months and yet it always end up in ugly quarrels. Yes I know very well that those are petty things and I agree but nonetheless.

So I learnt the hard way to keep them inside. I built walls. A different kind. Not to keep people out, but to keep a monster within and pray hard that it doesn’t destroy me along with itself inside those walls.

Tonight’s the first night of its captivity. I will protect you from its wrath even if it means being abused by this beast. I will protect you, even if it means to perish along with it.

For this monster lives in me.

24
May

Let’s start with the first 10

1. How you’re like a kid when you discover new words and use them profusely.

2. How you smell.

3. The way you smile.

4. How you drop pickup jokes randomly in our conversations.

5. Your heart of gold. The way you go out of your way to do things the right way.

6. The way you stare at me.

7. The way you hold my hand.

8. Naughty sexual innuendos you drop suddenly and randomly.

9. The way you purposely sing out of tune to make me laugh, or at least I hope so.

10. The fact that you’re willing to stick around.

08
May

Never been so broken

This is either no one’s fault or both our fault. But what matter does that make.

You’ve shown me so much over these past 8 months. Shown me love that I’ve never experienced and taught me how to love. Which is why this hurts so damn much and why I’m so broken now.

It would be easy to say that I wish I’ve never met you, never fell for you. But I wouldn’t have truly loved in this life without you. Afterall, you hold the other half of my soul hostage.

But can a person continue living with only half a soul, knowing that she has found the other half and yet God forbid, unable to reconcile both halves? I dare not discover the truth to that question and dare not find out.

You’re beautiful. So damn beautiful, the most beautiful man I’ve ever met and I’m honoured to have your heart even if for a while.

For the first time in my life, I truly believe I won’t be able to love another ever again if we were not to be.

I should ask you not to give up on me but I don’t really know whether I should anymore if I truly love you.

If trouble is honestly my friend and misery is all that you know now, perhaps I should just say what you can’t say.

But I don’t have those guts to.

You’re fucking beautiful and me? I’ve already lost.

06
May